Mazes and Whirlpools

Living with anxiety and depression. Perhaps those who have never experienced it first or second hand know what its like. You may picture a person sitting in the same clothes for two weeks straight, laying in bed, staring at a phone or into space, with a hollow look in their eyes and are in serious need of a shower and some real food. That’s a very decent description of what it looks like on the outside. Symptoms people can easily see and respond too. But that isn’t depression- that’s how an individual reacts to their depression.

When I say that I have anxiety and depression I am trying to let you see how I interpret the world around me, and why I say or respond to situations. Let’s start with anxiety.

I have social anxiety. For me, that means I have a really hard time processing social cues, and the larger the group the more intimidated and self conscious I feel.  

Example: When in a small group of people I don’t know, I usually babble and chatter. I become extra outgoing. To others I appear to be the extrovert and comfortable in awkward situations. To me, I am babbling to prevent the people in the group from saying anything that might intimidate me, criticize me, or outright tell me I don’t belong. I want people to like me. I want people to think I’m funny. I want people to think well of me. Because my anxiety likes to tell me that I am boring, that I have nothing important to say, that I am a waste of space and everyone else wishes I just disappeared.

When the encounter is all over, I will go home and think about everything I said. I will analyze every single reaction everyone had to everything I said. And no matter how well I acted, I will be convinced that all those people will still think I’m boring, everything I said was unimportant, and probably “will this girl ever shut up?”

But that’s just one scenario. Every day feels like I’m in a maze- but I wasn’t told when I entered the maze if it was a haunted maze like the ones at Halloween or not. So I not only feel lost, I am extremely cautious about every choice I make because I don’t know if that choice will lead me into the face of some hideous monster, or just a dead end. Which makes me hyper vigilant.

I must make sure that I rehearse everything I’m going to say before I call someone I’m not well acquainted with.

If I’m not sure about which entrance we go through at an event, I make my husband go first.

If we go out to eat, I make sure to memorize everything I’m going to say so I don’t have to repeat myself or come across as a difficult customer.

If I feel like something I am doing is annoying, inconvenient, or rude, I have to triple and quadruple check that the person is okay with it.

I apologize for everything- from stating my opinion, to going off on tangents, to little things that only I would notice but bother me nonetheless.

Little things can set off my anxiety- and I am just on edge and it’s hard to relax until I am at home, sitting down and watching a familiar show.

For those with good sleuthing skills, you may have noticed some things that also resemble depression- the negative self talk for one.

My metaphor for depression is called “The Whirlpool of Suck”.  You don’t always realize just how caught up you are at first. But you start to notice that you’re going in a circle- because depression is a self feeding cycle. You find yourself not eating, not sleeping very well, avoiding social situations- which in turn makes you feel physically and emotionally awful. Which then makes you continue not to eat well, sleep well, and being around people just sounds like too much work. See how it works?

So as you withdraw more and more into yourself, that’s when those pesky negative thoughts arise “what am I doing?” “I am a waste of space” “Life just sucks”. Which feeds into the already unpleasant physical symptoms. The more I feel like this, the more it feels like I’m getting dragged underwater and can barely keep afloat.

With the Whirlpool of suck, it is easy to grab a life line and get pulled out of the circular current. Friends drop by and make you eat, take you out, remind you of things you like to do. You find a video of cute animals that brighten your day. Not every day is spent in the whirlpool. Sometimes, you really are just happy and content. And sometimes one negative thought or encounter can pull you quickly into the current and you get close to the center where you feel stuck and about to go under at any second. That’s where the suicidal thoughts arise. That’s where self harm arises. That’s where finding any outlet be it mindlessly playing video games, watching television or drug and alcohol abuse take place. Because it’s that thin barrier between wanting to escape the pain permanently or temporarily. That’s when the depressed individual stares into the abyss and fights with themselves, debating on whether or not to prepare for the inevitable or keep trying to stay alive, even if it destroys them.

I am living with depression and anxiety- sometimes I’m in the maze. Sometimes I’m in the whirlpool. Sometimes the maze leads me into the whirlpool or vice versa. And on some blessed days I am a normal person who can handle what the world throws at me, who easily tells the negative thoughts to go to the hell where they belong, and can smile and truly enjoy each and every happy moment.

Everyone’s battle with mental illness is unique to their own struggles, but the symptoms are the same. 

Every day is not spent in the Whirlpool of Suck or the Maze of Anxiety. That’s why when the people 

you know are having a good day, celebrate it with them. That’s why if the next day they are having a crummy day, give them love and support- because they enjoy being in their maze or whirlpool as much as you enjoy seeing them there.

I don’t know if these metaphors improved your understanding of what life is like living with mental illnesses, but I hope that you can show more compassion to those that struggle. We are doing the best we can even when we look like the very picture of depression or a Norman Rockwell cartoon. We are all human after all, and struggles are what makes life, life.