What living with PMDD feels like.

If periods make you queasy, then the TL;DR version is: I feel like Dr. Jekyll half the time and Mr.Hyde the other.

I've talked about Depression, Pregnancy, Social Anxiety, and childhood trauma here on my blog. But I haven't paid much attention to my PMDD.

Pre Menstural Dysphoric Disorder is basically my brain going on the fritz when I'm menstruating. It's not typical PMS. I still get regular period symptoms, like the bleeding,the cramping, the bloating, the irritableness. But on top of that I experience extreme depression, lack of concentration, low motivation, and often deal with thoughts of suicide or homicide.

Now the last bit might sound scary. I'm not going to sugar coat it- it is scary. Because on any given month, one day could have been great and the next morning I wake up to thoughts of "wouldn't things be better if I was dead?"

Night and day. That's what it's like. I go from friendly, invite everyone over for games and food, Daria to think thoughts like "if my children squeal one more time I'm going to smother them." I go from churning out projects like a machine to barely touching anything that isn't junk food or my phone. One moment I'm happy mom eager to sing silly songs to scary mom who shoves the children in their room and let them wrestle eachother to death.

And to be completely honest- it's terrifying. Somedays it's like that Studio C sketch- the "boys brain" and every aspect of the boy's mind is in charge but rational thought.

I like to think of my brain ala inside out, but with only two people in charge- Rational Thought and Emotional Thought. Emotional thought during my mebstural cycle liked to put herself on loudspeaker and shout at the top of her lungs whatever she is feeling in that moment. She has control of the panels and she does whatever feels right. Crying, screaming, hiding, stress eating, scroll through Facebook for hours, etc.

Rational is shoved aside and is the one mumbling in the background about how irrational my behavior is- "of course we don't want to be dead. Death doesn't actually solve any of these problems!"

Or when I yell - "Oh yeah. Great parenting right there. Did you really need to shout? Does it really make you feel that great?"

Or when I curl up in my bed and hide all day - "well, that was a productive day."

I know I'm overreacting to small problems. I know I didn't need to yell, or hide, or get into arguments. But I can't turn my emotions off. So I just ride the waves as best I can. I try to be rational, I really really do.

But my energy level is so low- because it was drained by moping, and fighting to get out of bed and get dressed. Or it was drained by having to deal with a toddler who refuses to stay in bed and finding the means to stay calm in the face of chaos. And this drainage happens. Every. Single. Month.

For half of the month, I'm my normal self. Human, but capable of handling life. The other half I turn into my evil twin.

It's rough. And it's scary. And I HATE it when I try to explain what's going on and it's just laughed off as silly PMS. Like I'm over exaggerating. Like my diagnosis is a no brainer.

I was in the hospital twice for suicidal ideation. A month apart. On my freaking period. I was okay after being released and then my cycle started again and I was not okay. I have evidence to prove that this is not all in my head. I am not faking or pretending things are worse to get attention.

So why tell all of this. Because I'm scared. Because I yell, and scream, and am purposefully mean because my first priority when I feel like this is "make whatever is causing me stress stop"- and my biggest stressors are my kids.

I tell this because I feel so alone. Because I have no idea what I need on bad days. Because I don't feel in control of myself at all. I feel like a monster. I feel unworthy of love and help because of how uncharacteristically cruel and short I can be. And it lasts two weeks and then it's over. I can be myself again for a little bit.

But then the process repeats.

In case you are saying to yourself "But Daria, what about birth controll?"

I am on birth control. It is a hormone. It has helped with my long lasting heavy flows, but it has not stopped the cycle of happy Dasha to Dasha Hyde.

"What about pregnancy?" If you haven't ready any of my blog posts about my pregnancies- pregnancy is a special living hell for me.

"What about medication?" Meds are important. They are. But they don't solve everything. They don't prevent the fight or flight response in cases of stress. They don't make every period cycle a smooth transition. Oh and they make my body hate me for a while- very very unhappy guts.

I feel like two different people. Happy Daria makes plans that Dasha Hyde is incapable of following through. It's like trying to keep a schedule with your worst enemy- you both hate eachother and wish the other would just shut up and do what I want already.

I wish this wasn't the demon I had to face. But here I am. My personal demon is the face I see in the mirror. It is terrifying. It is scary. And I really, really hate this.