My Thoughts on Abortion

I am but one voice among the many. Since it's not my state that passed the abortion law, my opinion shouldn't hold that much weight.

But I have this feeling, that somebody out there is wondering where I sit with all this. Maybe it's a friend, maybe it's family, or former coworkers. I don't know who needs to hear me of all people but I'll state my case anyway.

I grew up like many other Christian people did, believing abortion was evil. I even said something along those lines to a girl when I was 12. She had told me that her mother had one, long before she was born. I don't remember her exact response, but I do remember the hurt in her eyes and the lesson I learned. Which was that her mother was human, and it wasn't my place to judge this girl's mother, let alone call her evil.

When I got home that day, I told my mother about the experience. And you know what she told me?

 Abortion is between you and God.

Sometimes things happen to a woman that are scary, and terrible, like rape. God wouldn't force her to live through that experience. It's not our place to judge her for her decision. Because in the end, it's between her and her creator.

I have thought long and hard about that conversation over the years.

Now, I have gone into detail about the unpleasant experiences I had growing up in a different post. If you want a clearer picture you can read my Unpacking Baggage post. Here, I will simply say that I often wondered why my parents had so many kids. Why my dad kept me, if he hated me and my siblings so much. I don't wish my childhood on anyone. I often wondered why I was even born if he obviously didn't want me.

I am well aware that there are so many kids out there living in abusive homes, being neglected, bouncing from foster home to foster home, and living in orphanages, or subject to slave trafficking. The adults of this world are not kind to children. Sometimes children are treated as trophies- beautiful in public but never treated with love or affection at home. And worse, the women subject to terrible circumstances, and then being handed the responsibility of taking care of themselves while pregnant. My heart mourns along with these mothers and children in their current state.

My opinion? I believe in God. I practice my religion. I believe that abortion should only be practiced in cases of threat to a mother's health, or in cases of rape and incest. And I believe that *I* should follow that belief.

Others? They didn't have my upbringing. Those young teen moms, the mothers with cancer, the women dealing with addiction and mental illness. And the women who wan't an abortion because they can't take care of a child, or another one. Women who suffer from the fear of being pregnant. Pregnancy is awful. I know. I've been through it twice and for me it is literal Hell. I wouldn't wish that Hell on anyone that wasn't fully willilng to undergo it, keeping the baby or no.

That is why, I personally, fully support a woman's choice and access to abortion. I'm not being forced to get an abortion and neither is anyone else. I believe that
women need to have a safe place to go, without resorting to deadlier methods to get rid of a child they clearly do not want.

Because I am a firm believer that children shouldn't grow up believing that they are the reason for their parent's suffering. They shouldn't grow up questioning why they even exist. They shouldn't be praying to a God they have a hard time believing in why they were born. Or worse, praying to God to let them die, because they weren't wanted in the first place.

I dont feel like adoption is a part of this argument. Because for me, adoption isn't just putting a child into a system of care. It's adults picking and choosing a child. Children don't get to pick their parents, whether they are adopted or not.

I do have further feelings on the subject of adoption, but they are not needed for this post.

I don't need to argue about the NY law, because it's not my state. My opinion is nothing to those lawmakers or citizens.

I don't need to argue with you, my reader, either. Because like my mother so eloquently said, "it's between you and God." You don't have to agree with me. I understand your point of view, whether you call every abortion murder or not.

I just want the women who have contemplated, or undergone an abortion, to know that I love them. Your reasons are your own. Your fears, dreams, hopes, and struggles are your own. I will stand with you while others spread their hate and scorn. Because I too have been there.

I sat there staring at a positive pregnancy test two weeks after getting out of the hospital for suicidal ideation, wondering if my meds and therapy were going to be enough to keep me and my little family safe from myself. I did survive pregnancy a second time, but I had an amazing support system.

You might not have a support system. I understand why you wouldn't, couldn't, keep a baby.

Again. "It's between you and God." I am here to simply love you.

Daily Fears

I am afraid of a lot of things.

I am terrified of heights, because I am terrified that whatever I'm standing on will collapse underneath me and I'll fall to my death.

I am afraid of not having a clear walkway to my bedroom, because I am terrified of slipping and falling in the dark.

I am afraid of calling people on the phone, because I am afraid that everything that I say won't make sense and I will have to repeat myself. I am afraid my inability to communicate will make the person on the other end of the line more frustrated until I get yelled at over the phone.

I am afraid of telling strangers I need help, because I am afraid they will see me as incompetent, and thus untrustworthy.

I am afraid that people review everything I said to them over and over, and will hate me for my uninformed opinions and ideas.

I am afraid to walk into unfamiliar places by myself. I am afraid I will get lost and look like an idiot.

I am afraid of stating my opinion to people smarter than me, especially professors. Because there is nothing worse than seeing someone you admire and respect, lose their respect for you.

I am afraid to tell people everytime I have a bad day, because I'm afraid that they will complain that I had a bad day recently. That there's a rule out there that states how many bad days you can have in a row before you have to have a good day.

I am afraid of being anything other than put together around strangers, because I'm terrified that they will see me for the failure that I am. That they will purposefully point out my flaws and turn more people to hate me.

I am afraid that I am replaceable. That anybody else could take my place and do a much better job. That my children and husband would be happier without me. That my friends would be happier with someone else that didnt hide or was so afraid. That nobody around me would miss me.

I am afraid that my mental illness is permanent. That I will have to fight just to get out of bed. Everyday. For the rest of my life.

My biggest fear is that the lies my brain tell me- that I dont matter, that no one will miss me, that people only put up with me out of pity- are all true.