Daily Fears

I am afraid of a lot of things.

I am terrified of heights, because I am terrified that whatever I'm standing on will collapse underneath me and I'll fall to my death.

I am afraid of not having a clear walkway to my bedroom, because I am terrified of slipping and falling in the dark.

I am afraid of calling people on the phone, because I am afraid that everything that I say won't make sense and I will have to repeat myself. I am afraid my inability to communicate will make the person on the other end of the line more frustrated until I get yelled at over the phone.

I am afraid of telling strangers I need help, because I am afraid they will see me as incompetent, and thus untrustworthy.

I am afraid that people review everything I said to them over and over, and will hate me for my uninformed opinions and ideas.

I am afraid to walk into unfamiliar places by myself. I am afraid I will get lost and look like an idiot.

I am afraid of stating my opinion to people smarter than me, especially professors. Because there is nothing worse than seeing someone you admire and respect, lose their respect for you.

I am afraid to tell people everytime I have a bad day, because I'm afraid that they will complain that I had a bad day recently. That there's a rule out there that states how many bad days you can have in a row before you have to have a good day.

I am afraid of being anything other than put together around strangers, because I'm terrified that they will see me for the failure that I am. That they will purposefully point out my flaws and turn more people to hate me.

I am afraid that I am replaceable. That anybody else could take my place and do a much better job. That my children and husband would be happier without me. That my friends would be happier with someone else that didnt hide or was so afraid. That nobody around me would miss me.

I am afraid that my mental illness is permanent. That I will have to fight just to get out of bed. Everyday. For the rest of my life.

My biggest fear is that the lies my brain tell me- that I dont matter, that no one will miss me, that people only put up with me out of pity- are all true.